reconnecting and beginning again
We had a rough first day back to school. My kiddos were bugging each other, Brian and I got frustrated, buttons were pushed and old habits of reacting kicked in – all before 8:30 a.m. What do you do on mornings like this?
Begin again.
The kiddos kept at it in the car on the way to school. I started to feel the familiar weight of feeling responsible for it all, “Ughhh! Why aren’t they getting along? I must be doing something wrong.” Before 9 a.m. I had a laundry list of ways I felt like I was inadequate and failing. What do you do in moments like this?
Begin again.
The “shame and blame” game doesn’t work.
The “yell and threaten” approach doesn’t work.
The “buck up” and “get on with it” harsh self-talk approach doesn’t work.
What does?
Begin again with compassion.
In the evening, I got triggered again hearing about something at school that wasn’t right. I jumped on Brian for not instantly emotionally mirroring us as “he should.” Guess what? That didn’t feel good either.
Blaming, harsh self-talk, lashing out, pulling away, “should-ing” when we are triggered and old patterns of reacting come flooding our bodies with stress hormones don’t make us feel better.
When we are stressed and triggered, we contract. We disengage. We get tunnel vision (and often sucked down that tunnel!). We dig our heels in the mud and believe the thoughts running through our heads. We react to the cascade of emotions swirling within us.
What can we do?
Begin again.
“How in the heck do you do that when the forces within me of old beliefs are so strong?!” Folks ask me in emails, at the grocery store, on the playground, at church, and in session.
FIND A MINDFUL WAY AND PRACTICE IT AGAIN AND AGAIN so it becomes second nature to tap into when you go to your default reaction mode.
“What do you do?” I often get asked.
Folks, this is what I do – some times a bagillion times a day:
Begin again.
I feel my feet on the floor.
I imagine the earth beneath me.
I relax my legs and sit up to allow space for my body to breathe fully.
I relax my shoulder, jaw and face.
I feel the crown of my head rising up to the sky.
And I breathe – first focusing on exhaling fully, fully, fully.
I allow whatever is rising up (that cascade of emotions, thoughts, and sensations – that desire to pull away, the blame, shame, shoulds, hurt, anger, fear, sadness) to BE THERE.
(Reader/client/student: “Wait, you mean you ALLOW IT?”
Me: “YES. Mindfully. Keep reading.”)
I allow it all to be there as I hold it all with compassion and spaciousness. AND I BREATHE.
I repeat to myself, “Soften.”
I keep feeling my feet on the earth, noticing my posture, opening and allowing, exhaling fully, I keep giving myself compassion.
I keep connecting. Even when I want to pull away. Even when I don’t want to see “THAT” part of me. Even when I don’t want to acknowledge that I did something I am ashamed of. I keep connecting – to my body, to my heart, to that spaciousness created by COMPASSION.
What happens?
As I SOFTEN, ALLOW, HAVE COMPASSION, and keep CONNECTING…
I open. I calm down. I move out of fight-or-flight mode. I have access to higher reasoning and creative problem-solving. I am able to choose more wisely how to RESPOND instead of react.
THAT is the foundation of my practice and for creating change, shifting the pull of those old patterns have on us, reconnecting, and beginning again.
I beg you, do it if you have 10 seconds.
~ Do it if you have two minutes.
~ Do it in the car.
~ Do it while making dinner and you have hungry and cranky kiddos and you are at wit’s end.
~ Do it when you are arguing with your partner.
~ Do it when you start to “should” yourself and others.
~ Do it when you feel that familiar surge of shame.
~ Do it when you AREN’T stressed so you build up the habit – 20 times a day!
~ Do it when the LAST things you want to do is have compassion for yourself or your dear ones.
Then we are able to: look at ourselves and others with regard
Then we are able to: remember we are the ocean, not the waves
Then we are able to: let go of assumptions
Then we are able to: remember to reconnect with our children and say, “I see you” and “You matter” and tell them what you appreciate about them, “I love watching you…..”
Then we are able to: choose to not hold back
Then we are able to: choose to drop the perfect and find the miraculous right here
I could go on! With your heavy hearts, worried minds, and exhausted bodies people write to me, call me, stop me when I am out and about. Just yesterday, I saw someone out running errands and they asked me “What do I do?!” I want to resource you all, friends! We all love so much and so deeply. We often make it so complicated (me, too!) – we want to know “why” and we want a quick fix and never to feel this way again. We’ll feel ashamed again. We’ll feel the rise of anger again. We’ll feel like we are failing again. BUT – we’ll be able to catch ourselves quicker. We’ll be able to RESOURCE ourselves more deeply. We’ll be able respond with compassion and choose wiser action.
Begin again and again and again, folks!
Blessings,
Lisa A. McCrohan
Share what mindful practice works for you. Share your heart stirrings. Share what gets your grounded. Share what triggers you. Share what softens you and reminds you to have compassion. Share in the comments below so we can all benefit from each other and build community. I AM ALL ABOUT COMMUNITY!
Blessings,
Your posts always resonate so much with me. As always, I really needed to hear exactly what you said 🙂 Trying to fix the way the entire family reacts to things that don’t go our way.
Thanks, Rach! We are working as a whole family, too — starting with my own self and then me and brian — and then the kiddos!
Exactly what I needed today when I am not exactly my favorite person. Would it be ok if I make some copies of the Gem of Beginning Again list (visually beautiful too!) to make available at our API meetings?
Krista, yes, please. If you want me to send a copy to you via email (the post and the graphic), I can do that. I hear you, girl, about those moments and days when we are not our favorite person! Thinking of you. Lisa
And then I’m able to say I love reading your posts.
Thank you for sharing.
Marjorie! I’m so glad words here resonate with you! Lots of blessings, Lisa
Thank you this is so useful and so similar to my struggle to keep emotionally calm and centred during these long summer holidays, which are so lovely but incredibly tiring too! I feel this builds on a suggestion of yours recently which recommended saying ‘of course’ this or that is happening, I find that so useful on a daily basis. Thanks for sharing xx
Louisa, I’m so glad this resonated with you!!! Yes – the summer months are great but yes, also long. I hear you. I like that practice of saying “of course” as well. I also like telling myself, “Ok, soften, Lisa, soften.” and “it’s ok, Love” (to myself!). Keep me posted on how the fall goes for you guys. Blessings, Lisa
Oh, Lis. This is surely a “gem”. Tonight, I really just needed to hear that its ok to be imperfect. Thank you for reminding me to be compassionate to myself. What a gift you are, dear friend.
Awww, Anne, you totally made my heart smile! I need these reminders, too!!! Love to you, girl. I’m so grateful for your words. Love, me
BTW – I totally did this last night and it helped!
Rachel, that’s awesome! Now we just gotta keep it up. As always, let’s keep encouraging each other!
This is such a good article and one I needed to read today. I had lunch with a couple of friends and during lunch I told the ladies about the the dirty house of someone I know. After telling the story I felt bad. I knew I should not have talked negatively about someone else. I came home from lunch and it has been weighing on me. After reading this article, I forgave myself and decided to begin again. Here is a big warm embrace {{{{ }}}} and gratitude to you for posting this today.
Brenda, I know the “pang” in my own heart when I find myself talking about another person and what I feel in that moment as well as what I feel when I’m at home and in the quietness of the evening. Yes, forgive ourselves. See the “motives” underneath and give compassion to those. Love to you, Brenda! I’m always so grateful for your insights and encouragement. Love, Lisa
You covered so much in here! I lay on the ground. I made a commitment to lay on the ground three times a week or more for three months. I find it so peaceful, especially in the middle of my day! <3
Jodi, I was thinking that your post would be an awesome follow up to this one — you give real “how to” tips on how to work with/hold our emotions. I’m posting it tomorrow morning!
What a wonderful grounding exercise. The more I learn to pause, to allow the moment to be still, the more the craziness of life moves on.
Crowing Crone Joss! Thank you for stopping by. Yes, the more we pause, the more we get grounded AND we get our brains used to doing this! You made me think of a Lao Tzu quote — “can we wait until the mud settles and the water becomes clear?” something like that — allowing the moment to still — and to still us. Blessings to you! Lisa